A small part of my earlier path
My name is Peter and I am happy to live this life with all the ups and downs. At the time when I wrote this, I was 45 years old. It’s a small part of my life story that I want to share with you here. I hope that this can help the one or the other a little bit on the way of life. It’s enough for me if this inspires someone, when you reach the next intersection in your life, not to choose the straight path as usual, but perhaps take a glimpse to the left or the right to see what might be there for you around the corner. Then you should check whether the usual way is still right for you and maybe to choose different this time.
Bear Heart – The wind is my mother
I have found my personal path in Native American culture (Blackfoot). It took a while for me to get there. When I was 35 years old, the book “The wind is my mother” came to me. In the book, Molly Larkin writes about the teachings of Bear Heart, who was a Native American medicine man. This book has fascinated me and accompanies me almost everywhere. At the same time, I started to talk to my hairdresser about certain things that exist outside of scientific evidence.
A year later I met Karl-Heinz, who made aura photographs and I was curious. So I went and got much more than just a photograph. The photograph was only the beginning. After Karl-Heinz looked closely at the picture, he told me many things about my life and about my character traits. These things were so detailed that it could not have been a coincidence. He knew all the important things about me and was able to express them amazingly well. After this encounter, I began to think differently about my life. The process of change began, slowly but inexorably.
All achieved. Really?
Professionally, at that time, I had achieved everything one could wish for. I was successful and had some freedom. In the business I had a partner who gave me a great learning task. Unfortunately, I recognized this too late and so the task became the final exam. There were a few things coming together, but first and foremost it was lifelong criticism that I had to listen to. People who told me that everything I did was not good enough anyway, and certainly not how I looked. Even in my earliest youth was my appearance “not appropriate”, with long hair, earrings and tattered jeans, so “what should the people think?” This was continued by my business partner. He was a lot older than me and unfortunately I had failed in time, to set important boundaries, boundaries that he systematically broke through since I knew him. When I finally realized it, it was already too late – at least for this case. However, the insight first was a bit indirect.
Wake up, Peter
One morning in the spring of 2004, I woke up after three hours of sleep in a New York hotel. The day before, we had negotiated with the potential buyers of our American subsidiary until late into the night. I sat with three other representatives of our partners, opposite of lawyers from the potential buyer, each of the calibers: 1000 dollars an hour, and I was actually hopelessly overburdened. However, from the folks of our company I was the only one who was able to conduct such negotiations and bring them to a successful conclusion. So I was lying in my hotel bed and really started wondering, and I asked myself: “what am I doing here?” I conduct negotiations that overburden me, let my partner annoy, criticize and humiliate me, just to get that fat paycheck at the end of the month. I stared doubting that it’s really is worth it.
The change began on this day. I finished the project successfully and then I turned towards myself. I thought about my life and it was not the way I wanted it anymore. I was not the way I wanted it anymore, the way according to my true inner core. Unfortunately, at the time I was so physically and psychically worn down that I could not raise the necessary boundaries towards my partner. It took other preparatory measures and some time. When, in August 2004, the whole inferiority complex of my business partner and his inner frustration were discharged onto me, due to a trivial matter, I finally acted. The next morning, I resigned as Managing Director of the two subsidiaries and only retained the important position in the parent company. I wanted to get out! At first it seemed as if we would agree amicably. Unfortunately, for my former business partner it was not enough, that I offered him my shares for only one third of the then current market value. He started some really shabby actions at the lowest level, forcing me to fight. I entered the fight. Then, at the end of 2005 I was out of the company, with a nice sum of money. Today, I am grateful to my former business associate: Through him, I have learned to pay attention to my boundaries and to take care that other people respect these limits. It took some time before I really understood the task to be learned and until I was able to implement it for myself. Since then I have never allowed anyone to cross my borders again. Since then, I have become very sensitive to this kind of boundary crossing and have learned to tackle it. The first big change in my life was done. The signs became more and more clear and I recognized them – unfortunately, rather late.
Better, just not completely
After that, my life got a better again. At first I was quite disoriented and did not have a good idea of which direction to go. The signs came a lot later. After leaving the company, my marriage went downhill. My now ex-wife lacked the financial security that I offered her before. This was followed by a nearly two-year struggle for my marriage. I did not want to give up this time. Too often in my past life, I have fled relationships when things got difficult. This time I did not want that, I wanted to pull through and work things out. At the same time, however, I urgently needed to do something for myself. I was doing a medicine wheel seminar which was the base for a big change in my life and in my whole way of looking at things. I found a new path that interested me a lot and I realized that this was giving me something very special. I was hungry to learn more so I booked a seminar on Native American nature experience. This seminar happened on ten weekends and was spread over a whole year. In addition to the factual information that I received there, this seminar also led me to my own topics. Especially, however, and at first not noticeable, I became stronger and stronger inside.
Working on my issues
At the same time I went with my then wife to some systemic constellations (family constellations) and it was interesting how quickly my own issues and those of my wife were discovered there. It took some strength, because it brought up old pain, which needed to be processed. The systemic constellations have helped me a great deal, even in cases where I only participated as a supporter. There’s always something for yourself, you take with you. My then wife also got shown her old unsolved tasks and she saw that it would take a lot of work to resolve them. It was too hard, too painful for her to engage so much with herself, and she backed down. She generally did not want to deal with her own old issues and soon rejected everything that went in that direction. My participation in the Native American seminar soon became a point of attack for her, for she sensed the change in me, and change always threatened her, even against the background of that my change was very positive.
By then I realized that I was fighting a losing battle in my marriage. Nevertheless, I did not give up, because this time I wanted to stay, to finish something. My then wife just did not want anymore. She was, however, unable to say: “I don’t love you anymore.” No, she needed anger and hatred to justify her retreat. So followed by various attacks on my scratched self-esteem . I passed through a deep valley of humiliations, reproaches, and it was not until afterwards that I realized that all this served to support me as she took the final step. When she then, in August 2006, declared that she will leave me, I first felt absolutely miserable, but something inside me told me that it will be good. The fight was over. The greatest sadness lasted just three weeks. Then I had a dream in which my then wife came to me and asked me if we wanted to be together again. My answer was a clear: “No!”
Back to myself
With that, my way back to myself, my true inner core finally began. Never again would I bend so much, allow myself to live so far away from my true self. I must mention that I handle the word “never” very carefully. Here I used it quite consciously. The road to myself was cleared and today I know that all this was absolutely necessary for my own personal development. On my way in the Blackfoot tradition I learned, among other things, to see things positively. That helped me a lot on my view of the failed marriage. The memories of the many beautiful things that we experienced outweighed it. My then wife had a new partner after a few weeks and distracted herself from her inner subjects. I still see her today, trapped in her unsolved topics, but that only touches me marginally, then when it comes to issues about our common children.
Crisis = Opportunity
For me, those changes were hard, but looking back, the best thing that could happen to me. The crisis became the biggest opportunity of my life, my personal “Midlife-Chance”. Today I live very close to myself, aware of my weaknesses and strengths, but also of my perfection. This perfection includes the full range of human qualities that each of us has chosen for ourselves, and that are all the right ones for each of us. Each one of us is perfect, everyone in his own way.
Peter Servatius, 03.05.2009