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Hello, this is my story on how I took responsibility of my personal wellbeing, happiness, and authenticity.
What better place to start off than when I for the very first time was about to consume my first synthetic drug. Ecstasy. I was nervous, I’d better be, I had been told my entire life that drugs were extremely harmful.
Anyway, here I was, 18 years old with no knowledge of my inner power to stimulate confidence, wisdom and joy, so instead I was looking to the outside environment to find what could stimulate my senses to make me feel confident and happy.
Soon I realized that one shouldn´t believe stories based on the solemn purpose of scaring and instigating fear. My ecstasy experience hadn´t been bad at all. It had made me feel, what seemed to be the closest I had ever gotten… to real love…ecstasy… but it wore of and so… One pill took the other and I ended up taking more or less every single drug available, drank as much alcohol as my money could buy, chased for all the girls who looked my way and ate all the food I could get my hands on.
Did I feel bad about It? NO, not at all, because I was having fun. Unconsciously and utterly controlled by my senses, my ego and ignorance. The ignorance part really came to handy, because it blinded me so much that I had no idea that I was BEING controlled and that I was not IN control… and so I lived more like an animal… by instinct, and not so much like a conscious human, by intelligence.
I was kicked out of my boarding school… lost a worrying capacity of memory due to weed and electrified my neurons a little too much which substances.
It turned out that the feeling that had seemed as the closest thing to “real love” that I had ever been, never remained when night turned too day. – I needed guidance.
Upon a visit to a friend, I stumbled upon a book with the name “The Karma of life” – and brought it home.
For the first time in my life, I found myself reading a book. Voluntarily. The book was of spiritual matters of which I had little to no knowledge about. Something dormant, deep within me ignited. The spark was small, but enough to ignite the little consciousness which was still a wake within me.
I decided to cut down on weed, I engaged more in school, retrieved some memory, read more spiritual and inspiring books, I even started meditating, or, I tried to… but every effort to “meditate” would end up in me falling asleep.
Looking back, it stands clear that I had sedated myself to the extent where I couldn’t concentrate for more than an instant without falling into a restful, blissful and necessary recovering sleep. Thank god for sleep! And thank god for waking up.
And wake up I did… but not enough for me not to get kicked out of another boarding school. It seemed like another self-inflicted crisis, but: For the Unconscious a crisis is a suffering of seemingly unfair punishment or an unfair coincidence.
But for the Conscious a crisis is a self-proclaimed opportunity to grow.
It is said that the season of failure is the best season for sowing seeds of success.
I was saved by my friend who gave me a roof over my head. I moved into his small 2-room apartment. He also was in love with a wild life and substances, but like myself, even more in love with personal development and spirituality. We started meditating together and soon…I didn’t fall asleep every time doing so.
As our journeys joined, the potency of our growth excelled harmoniously.
I only had one year of school left and up until that point, I had done anything I could to do as little as possible. This meant that I was lacking behind bigtime. What the other student had done in 3 years, I had to do in 1. But I had achieved so much self-knowledge, confidence, and power of concentration that I didn’t doubt that I could succeed…
I had endured to do just a little inner work every week and almost as if manifested instantaneously, my outer world changed for the better.
Looking back, I smile in loving gratitude to my friend, because together it was easier to dare to become closer to my authentic self… I was young and unexperienced, and I didn´t know anyone else who had the same spark for self-development and spirituality, so thanks to him showing me solidarity, love, kindness, and weakness when necessary, I felt like I could conquer my own weaknesses.
And so I did.
I conquered that last year of school with style and good grades.
I conquered my bad memory by letting go of smoking weed like a chimney.
I conquered so many aspects of myself that didn´t serve me.
And today, years after, I am still at it.
I am still doing the same work that I started back then.
That spark which was lit inside of me has now turned into a flame which burns beautifully… some days more than others, but it is a flame which lives to burn and shine light from my true self from within and out into the world, so that others may be inspired to enlighten their own life with their own fire.
With much love – from one spark to another.
Simon (24 years old)