Superwoman died in crisis, but she’s not yet buried

Listen to the content below (14:24 min.)

My name is Flora. I’m here to tell you about my midlife crisis. I’m French, so please don’t judge me about my English. I’m trying to do my best. Actually, I’ve been living in Denmark for about twenty-seven years, so Danish is my first language. Even so, I’m born French came to Denmark when I was 20 years old and I’ve been married to a Danish man for the last twenty-seven years.

I’ve been working for 10 years as a social worker with people with autism and after 10 years I went down. One day I just started crying in personal meeting with all the other co-workers, about a case, about a child. And suddenly I just felt pressed and pushed to to do things that I was too tired to do in some way. And I had an episode with a child a few days before and just everything – the curtain went down and I ran out of the door crying and just running around, it at a playground for a while. And a colleague came and picked me up and asked me how I was doing. And I was just I didn’t want to go back to a job.

I packed my stuff, went into the car and drove home. Really, I don’t know how I managed to drive home, but I did. And I never came back to work. I don’t know how to call it my social, um, thing, the things that is taking care the of workers, an association that took care of everything (remark.: the union) and about quitting the job and and I had something about insurance going on in the background.

I’ve been sick from work (rem.: sick-leave) for about three quarters of a year and I was so down. I couldn’t do anything, I couldn’t get up in the morning, I couldn’t go in the shower and everything, it took time I had to think about in my bed, what am I going to do first? OK, get up my feet out of the bed and then what’s going to happen? OK, I go to pee and and then OK, I got to take a shower and everything was one step at a time and my husband had to take over with food and with my boy and with the horses with everything.

I just cryed and lay on the couch and was just sorry – sorry. I didn’t know even why I was crying, I was just so pitiful. I was tired all the time. And didn’t want didn’t know what to do about my life, it’s – it’s yeah, it’s some place to be. And after some months, I couldn’t bear about being into the communal system (rem.: municipality system), about all the meetings, about stress meetings and meditation and and about societies, community, find it out, what could I do and what I could I couldn’t do and go to all these meetings. And every time I was just pressured, just going out of the door and crying again. Yeah, so after three quarter a year, I just. I opened my own company as as a healer.

I opened a clinic with a hair, removing, waxing and everything that I could do, everything that I had done before on a hobby basis. And I had a friend helping me to do a homepage. I was just I couldn’t go on the computer. I couldn’t make a home page myself. I couldn’t even go to the supermarket, just staying in line in the supermarket and putting on my grocery into a bag. And someone was waiting for me to come to pack their grocery. And I felt so pressured at one time, I just dropped my basket and went out of the supermarket because I couldn’t stand being there, just waiting. And I haven’t been in Bilka (one of the biggest supermarkets in Denmark), I haven’t been there – oh, yes, I’ve been there twice in the last six years. I’m able to do it now, but I don’t really enjoy it. So I only go to small supermarkets and at times where I find not too many people.

So still, now, I’m there. And it’s about six years ago I opened my my clinic and my husband has been very supportive and he had to take over about food, about cleaning the house. And after a while I got better. But I had to sell my horses because it was too much work for me to be, to work in my company, like I made my own part time job and I couldn’t manage to take care of the house, the family, the job and the horses and friends. And – so I had to sell the horses and it was just a crash. I was crying and crying until I took the decision and everything went. I sold some of them and I had to put down one of them. So, yeah, it was hard. Oh, gosh only – and already seven minutes, I’m sorry. What did I get out of this?

I never dreamt about being my own boss. Like everything I’ve seen everyone, no, I’ve seen many of my friends just closing their business and having debt to the bank and I didn’t had enough money and troubles. But I had only me and I didn’t have to invest a lot. It was only I, my own tools. I work with my body. I am a social, I’m a body worker. So, I don’t have a lot of items that run out of date or I don’t have to have like a summer collection and winter collection and things like that.

So, it’s, it’s much easier to manage to be economically independent. And today, six year later, I’m still struggling, and actually when Corona started, I went down and I got so scared because I’ve been fighting with therapy and psychiatry and psychology and hypnosis and many different kind of things. I’ve tried over time to get better, to have more energy, to have less pain in my in my spine. And and in March (rem.: 2020), when Corona started rolling over Denmark, I got closed like many other liberal workers. And, I don’t know, like I thought, oh, no, I can do so many things, I could clean and I could empty the barn and I couldn’t do visit friends and I could do so many things, but I had no, no power. I just, everything went slowly and I couldn’t make decisions. And I just had no power like a battery that is running out of power. So, so I was tired all the time and started crying and doubting my life and doubting my marriage and doubting my job, was that what I’m good enough on all the different stages?

And then I, I went to I got to the point that I go to my doctor and I said: “Now I’m ready, I can’t fight anymore. I’ve tried everything. Now, it’s a time to get some medicine.” So, she was almost clapping into her hands, but at least I accepted to take antidepression medicine. And wow that’s the best thing I’ve done in my life at this point, I should have done it for at least two years ago.

I’m not tired anymore. I don’t have to sleep to make power nap like two times a day. I managed to cope with my, my pain a little bit better. It’s not gone, but it doesn’t drag me down anymore. And I’m, I’m starting to get happy, like, really happy, all the way into into my spine, like happy, I don’t even know when I’m, why I’m happy, but I feel like happy for no reason and it’s such a long time I felt I felt like that. So, so that’s the best thing that happened to me, just to give up and to take, to take this medicine. And I’ve been taking it for about, a year, a little bit less than a year. And now I’m going out of it. Very slowly. I’m crossing my fingers that I’m, I feel strong and. Yeah.

The only thing I had a problem with that the medicine just destroyed my sexual life, and that’s one of the negative downsides of this antidepressive. And they don’t really speak about it. I wish I was more aware about it, but, yeah, now I tell you so be ready for it. It can happen. Some people have bad experience with antidepressive, but for me, it was just my saving time. So now I’m building up, building energy, building will and dreams and having feeling like having a project and having some, I’m trying to focus, my energy, yeah. So, I’m not out of this crisis, but I’m positive.

And I’m happy that I took some of those steps and of course, I miss really this super-woman that I felt I was. And super-woman is dying, is dead now, but it took a long time to bury her, and I’m not even sure she she’s buried yet. So, acceptance, acceptance of not being strong, not being perfect, not being able to do things on yourself and having to depend on others is one of the hurdles of this crisis for me.

Gosh, I’ve been talking so much. Yeah, I hope that my experience can help you. It’s a travel. It’s a new, a new adventure. And some time I I’m up, some time I’m down. But I’m trying to find out who am I, find out a new me and kind of rebating me. So that’s a good thing. I don’t know where I’m going to end, but now I’m positive that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

So, o.k., thank you for listening, and I wish you the very best in your journey. And wish you to see the light, very soon because it’s they’re. Bye!

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